Because a Short Title is Too Boring
by ThatMairyGuy
Summary: And because the layout here makes it so easy to post a new story how it should be set out, I've done more stuff.
1. Nazi Ghost-busters are Canon

Preface/AN: I started writing fan fiction as a writing exercise of sorts; get better at writing by focusing on the writing, not the characters. This anthology will serve as a dumping ground for those things that weren't worth an actual separate story on my Author page. This is mostly for those ideas that I get a few scenes worth of content out of but then I just run dry for some reason or another and would either delete or abandon it. Or one shots that I think are bad but post because internet. In retrospect I should have put Yet Another Evangelion Fanfiction in here, but I didn't think of it then so I just feel bad for dropping it now. But yeah, if you think one or more of these ideas is worth expanding or something, go ahead and pick it up. Don't even tell me, just do it. I want to some day google 'ThatMairyGuy' and get like fifty returns along the lines of 'inspired by ThatMairyGuy'. That would be pretty fucking cool.

AN over, onto the actual thing.

First up: Familiar of Hollow

If you can guess what's being written about just from that title or the description just under it, good job, it's pretty easy anyway.

* * *

_A Magical Samurai Ghostbuster possessed by an Evil Mexican Ghost is summoned in perhaps the most contrived ritual since Fuyuki city_

* * *

Louise gathered herself, forcing the doubts she had to the back of her mind. When Professor Colbert called her up, she would summon the most powerful familiar the Academy had seen since the days of Brimir the Founder. It would be mightier than a dragon, able to protect her against even the heretical elves; stronger than a griffin, to go gloriously into battle; as cunning as a human, outsmarting her enemies before they even knew they were her enemies. No, she would not summon a mere beast of a familiar, she would summon _the_ familiar, to which all others were compared and found wanting.

Still, she was nervous.

The most magic she had performed in the past year was limited to exploding the target of whatever magic she was casting, there was no guarantee she wouldn't summon a familiar and blow it to pieces at the same time. She could fake an illness and be removed from the grassy courtyard without summoning a familiar; she could wait until the next person summoned a fire-type familiar and surreptitiously make _it_ explode. No, Louise resolved, she may be laughed out of the Academy for failing, but if she didn't try, then she wouldn't know the feeling that came from driving your enemies before you, hearing the lamentations of their women and the screams of their childre-

"Miss Valliere, the others are waiting."

Professor Colbert interrupted her 'reverie' with his insistence, looking at her so moderately that his eyes out-glared his bald pate for once. Her thoughts sufficiently distracted by the idea of a moderate gaze being threatening, Louise stepped forward and raised her wand high. She held herself still for a moment, going over the words to the ritual in her head just 'one more time' to ensure she wouldn't summon a horrible congealed blob as her familiar.

"Look! Louise has summoned the mighty Zero as her familiar!" A student in the crowd called out, pointing to his smoking tortoise familiar puffing smoke rings into the sky. Hearing this, Louise pouted mightily, almost collapsing her lips into a black hole from the sheer force.

"My servant that exists in this vast universe," She would show them a true familiar.

"My divine, beautiful, wise, powerful servant," She would move away from her family's shadow.

"Heed my call, I wish from the very bottom of my heart and give you my guidance, appear!" She would not be a zero any longer.

The result of her spell was not an explosion as such, rather an immense outward rush of dust and air as the area was filled with a black cloud of power. Louise and Professor Colbert were right near the centre, they were safe within the 'eye' of the dark maelstrom; the rest of the student standing on the edge were not. The large blue dragon recently named Sylphid held its wings wide and sheltered as many students as possible beneath the veined expanse, but many were left to bear the brunt on their own. Even within the storm's heart Louise couldn't see the being she had summoned, the darkness cloaked it and supported it too thoroughly to discern any features beyond the tall silhouette of black on black.

The storm subsided in under a minute, leaving a feeling of bitter sorrow in its wake. As the dust stirred by the storm settled it became rather clear that Louise had somehow summoned a pale, antlered man instead of the great and powerful familiar she had been planning to rub in her family's face.

The antler-man had a rather large hole in his chest, roughly where his everything should be.

The antler-man had clawed digits and a hole in his chest.

The antler-man had clawed digits, a hole in his chest and a _sword in one hand and a severed arm in the other_.

"Miss Valliere, perhaps you had best complete the ritual before there is a wholesale slaughter." Professor Colbert leaned over to her, his wand at the ready and pointed at the creature. The student body watched in fear as the tall _thing_ dropped the arm it was holding and strode toward the teacher-student pair closest to it. Colbert brandished his wand at the creature, but it ignored him totally, coming to a stop less than a metre away from Louise.

"P-pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers," she intoned, "grant your blessings upon this creature and bind it as my familiar." The creature bent low to stare at her, the two forward-pointing horns sifting through her light pink hair. A low growl started deep within the creatures throat, but the pale-fanged mouth did not open. Ducking her head, Louise brought herself inside the range of the menacing horns and brushed her lips against the lower surface of the pale face.

The moment Louise kissed her new familiar it disappeared, only to reappear on the ramparts of the castle with a sound not dissimilar to the clash of stone against stone. The creature threw back its head and roared, somehow echoing itself in the wide-open space. The students on the grass under it ran. They didn't run for their safety, the thing was clearly faster than any natural thing had a right to be; they had chosen the option of flight rather than fight. Colbert tried to herd the students in a more orderly direction, but none of them would dare get near Louise, still standing in the centre of the lawn. The roaring did not last long, barely any students had crammed themselves through the narrow archway out of the potential murder-fest before the creature cracked the ramparts returning to Louise's side. The creatures left hand was marked as a familiar should be, Louise noted.

A moment later, her world went dark as her body was drained of the willpower required for magic.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Professor Jean Colbert watched as Louise fell into her familiar's waiting arms.

Whatever it was, it was faster than the sounds it made and faster than his battle-trained eyes could follow. The chain on its sword clinked as it fell, sacrificed to better carry Louise. Jean put away his wand too, the less threatening he could be the better in this case.

"Uno…"

Jean heard the doubled tones as he approached, but the familiar hadn't opened its mouth. "I beg your pardon?" he asked, realising after the fact that the familiar probably didn't speak a human language.

"Hana. Unohana."

Unable to think of what an 'unohana' might be and why the familiar might need one, Jean attempted to bridge the possibly-existent language gap. Pointing at his own chest, Jean spoke his own name. The gesture definitely caught the attention of the familiar; while before it stood a short way away from him growling, now it moved closer, allowing Jean the chance to examine the small girl for any injuries. First though, he pointed at her. "Louise." Then he moved his hand up to point directly between the black pits of the familiar's eyes.

"Col…bert."

Jean sighed and returned the pointing extremity to his own orientation. "Colbert." Then to Louise. "Louise." And finally he brought the finger back up to point at the familiar.

"Col…bert. Loo…wiss." The familiar shifted Louise in its arms then stopped. The familiar extended its arms out to Jean, Louise dangling limply in the pale cradle of her familiar's arms. Jean guessed the intention immediately and reciprocated the gesture, supporting Louise's body with his own. The familiar stepped back and swung its hand behind it. In response, the black sword left lying on the grass swung up and into the clawed hand.

"Ge…tsu." The familiar said, the black pits of its eyes glowing at their centres with a pale yellow. "Ore wa Zangetsu."

* * *

_..._

* * *

It had been a simple enough thing to call for a healer to attend to Louise in her chambers, the hard part was convincing the healer to brave her familiar's inspection long enough to actually get into her chambers. When word was passed along to the Headmaster of this development Old Osmond hobbled his way down to Louise's chambers. He approached the familiar standing menacingly before the door to Louise's chambers. Jean was with the familiar to serve as a minder of sorts; he didn't want to risk a student losing an arm to the creature should it prove wild.

"Now Jean, I hear that Miss Valliere's familiar is preventing a healer from treating her?"

Jean opened his mouth to speak but quickly closed it again when the familiar began growling. "Perhaps Headmaster, I had best introduce you to her familiar before we speak in front of it?" He whispered, gaining a 'mmm, quite' from his superior. With no great ceremony, Jean introduced the Headmaster to the creature. With a moment's consideration Osmond tapped the tip of his large staff against the familiar's head.

The response was immediate.

Osmond placed a hand on the sword at his throat, slowly pushing it out of the way.

"Young man, you know I lack the power to harm you. The contest is over, you are the strongest here. Now let the healers see to your master."

The familiar withdrew the blade, leaning it against the wall behind it. With a low rumble the familiar extended its clawed right hand to the Headmaster. It clenched the hand for a moment then withdrew it.

"I am Zangetsu. I protect Loo-wiss." The menacing presence did not depart to leave a passive familiar, but Zangetsu stepped back slightly to leave the door free.

"Well then," Osmond chirped, turning to Jean with a smile. "That went better than I had hoped."

"Better than you had hoped? You hit the familiar in the face with a translation spell and almost lost your life!" Jean hissed.

"But I didn't, and that means its better than I had hoped." Old Osmond began hobbling back to his office, but stopped and turned. "Though if that happens again, I'd like you to be my successor."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Louise awoke the next day to view the ceiling of her canopied bed. She'd had a strange dream in which she summoned a sword-wielding demon as her familiar, but familiars had to be creatures of some sort, didn't they? Discarding the dream as a flight of fancy, Louise pulled back the covers to find she was dressed in a rumpled blouse and skirt instead of her usual sleepwear. She remembered staying up rather late memorising the words for the chant that summoned a familiar, but she didn't remember being so tired she couldn't change her clothes before sleep overtook her. Changing into a cleaner copy of the Academy's uniform, she straightened her cloak about herself and exited her personal chambers with the intention of eating breakfast and summoning her familiar.

What a surprise she had when Kirche, a girl from a rival family, was waiting outside the door opposite hers.

No wait, the surprise was the scarily pale shirtless man trying to hold a conversation with Kirche.

"Oh good morning Valliere, I trust you had a good rest. If I'd summoned a familiar like this _I_ certainly wouldn't get a wink of sleep." Kirche winked seductively at the familiar, but it didn't react at all. Professor Colbert took that opportunity to come bustling around the corner with various scrolls and textbooks in his arms. Noticing Louise was now awake, he made a bee-line for the gather students and their familiars.

"Ah, Miss Valliere, good to see you're feeling better. If you'll come with me, I need to talk to you about your, uh, unorthodox familiar."

Louise straightened her blouse slightly, then stepped toward Professor Colbert, her familiar following closely behind, clawed feet clicking and scraping against the stone floor.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Louise sat on the chair provided, trying not to stare at the large hole in her familiar's chest.

"So, familiar, Professor Colbert says you call yourself Zangetsu, but what manner of being are you? You're not an elf, are you?"

The monstrous familiar was still, save the rustling of its fur-lined neck.

"King… Horse… Zangetsu."

"That tells me abso-" Louise was going to continue, but her familiar had disappeared with a hollow burst of noise. She considered calling her familiar to her side, but it wasn't likely to obey her. Instead, she followed the screams to the table occupied by Montmorency, a girl with the dubious honour of being Louise's classmate.

"Valliere!" Montmorency cried out when she came close. "Your f-f-familiar is threatening me!"

_For once_, Louise thought, _for once they're scared of me and what I can do. I'd best make the most of it while I can._

"Nonsense," she replied haughtily, "my familiar is simply tr- Is that one of your perfume bottles? Are you giving my familiar perfume?" The sheer absurdity of the situation was getting to her. Her familiar, a monstrous sword-wielding demon, was holding a bottle of perfume out to Montmorency in its clawed hand.

With shaking hands, Montmorency reached out for the offered bottle. Despite how reassuring Louise's words _might_ have been, her familiar still cut an intimidating figure; had probably also cut several people, Louise figured.

"This is the perfume I gave to Guiche, how did your familiar obtain this Valliere?"

"Guiche?" Louise chortled. "You're courting that prancing blonde jackanape? Now I've heard everything."

Montmorency didn't reply, she was already halfway across the courtyard in the arms of Louise's familiar, screaming in the most shrill voice possible for a young maiden such as herself.

_No, wait_ Louise thought. _That's Guiche_

Storming over to Guiche's table, Louise found her familiar gone already. He'd left Montmorency behind in the arms of her 'beloved' Guiche but had left immediately with no trace as to where he had gone.

"Familiar!" Louise screamed, stamping her foot into the grass as though that would do something.

It might have been a coincidence brought about by near-instantaneous travel, but her familiar returned, this time with a different girl. A first year, by the colour of her cloak. The girl was struck dumb with fear, but she looked at Guiche with an expression that told Louise all she needed to know. She didn't have long to know for certain, however, as her familiar subjected her to essentially the same treatment it provided to all the women it had met thus far.

Except Kirche.

It seemed totally fine around Kirche

* * *

_..._

* * *

Zangetsu held the blade tightly, paying close attention to the flapping piece of metal that gave the sword its voice.

"Hey buddy, you need to buy me right now. If you walk outta here without buyin' me I will find a way to make you regret it."

Louise peered up at the blade, glancing occasionally to the black sword held lazily in her familiar's other hand.

"You already have a sword familiar, what are you going to do with another one?"

Zangetsu didn't say anything, but the talking sword began chatter its 'teeth' in consternation.

"H-h-hey buddy, I'm not some kinda sponge for magic, so stop pumpin' it inta me!"

"Not magic… reiatsu."

"Reiatsu huh? Think I've heard of that before. This just means you and me need to talk this out. And by talk, I mean I say things and you growl at me when I get it right."

Zangetsu growled.

"Well then," the blade said "we'd best be on our way. My name's Derflinger, by the way. What's yours?"

There was no reply. Zangetsu slammed the talking sword back into its sheath and left the store, one of his horns catching on the bell hanging over the door.

"Familiar, wait!" Louise called after her strange protector. "I need to pay for that!"

* * *

_..._

* * *

"I will warn you ahead of time, my knowledge of all this is at least two thousand years old and largely hearsay, so if you think anything needs correcting, stuff it up your arse because I'm talking." Derflinger began once he was firmly ensconced in the third chair at the table.

"Your familiar is from another world. I've met people from his world; one of my previous wielders was a Quinty or something. Anyway he told me a lot about his world when it got a bit boring here, so I think I count as a reputable source of information."

"Ha!" Louise barked.

"Just wait till I tell you about how powerful your familiar is, you'll be listening then. Anyway, in this other world, there's a few layers of world stacked on top of each other. You got the living world; the spirit world, which is kinda like heaven and Hico Mando, the world of vengeful spirits. When a human dies, they get guided to the spirit world, but if you aren't quick, they become attached to something In the living world, distorting their very soul with the need to be near the thing, to possess it, to touch it. You get the picture. And well, when a human spirit distorts itself it becomes really powerful, and hungry. It eats other human souls and other evil souls just like it, becoming more powerful until eventually it can destroy areas of the living world just by being there."

"So my familiar is one of those spirits?"

"Not quite. You see, certain _other_ spirits are powerful enough to stop the evil spirits by using special swords that purify them and send them into the land of the dead. These spirits were called Balancers I think, and the evil spirits were called Hellows or something. " Derflinger exposited, rattling himself in his sheath until Louise reached over and filled the cup in front of him with tea. "You understand me so far Missy? I don't want to have to explain this all again, and tall, dark and deadly here doesn't seem like he's the kinda guy to talk this much."

"There's evil spirits that eat people and sword-wielding spirits that stop them, it's not too hard." Louise waved a hand about to show that she really was paying attention.

"Good enough. The weird thing about my new partner is his resemblance to _both_ of those spirits."

"In the what now?" Louise queried.

"He's got the sword of a Balancer but the mask of a Hellow, shouldn't that be obvious?"

"No, because you never told me Hellows have masks, and you never told me it was special to see a Balancer with a mask!"

"I can tell when someone doesn't appreciate my company any longer. Come on Zangetsu, let's go for a walk outside so your master can cool her head."

With a low grunt, Zangetsu lifted the sword out of its seat, opened the door and placed Derflinger just outside. Taking two steps back to the table, he also picked up the small cup of tea and left it beside Derflinger, presumably so that the mostly-inanimate sword didn't get thirsty.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Viscount Wardes stood tall at the altar, not caring for a moment that the monster before him had likely slaughtered its way to the church doors.

"I applaud you, familiar. You have come far this day, but it is for naught. In the moment that I am wed to Louise the Reconquista will be in control of a Void Mage, the legendary descendant of Brimir."

Zangetsu didn't speak, he just pointed one of his swords at the traitorous noble and let _it_ do the talking.

"I don't know what the exact goals of this Recondor are, but a Gandalfr's duty is to defend his master against any enemy, whatever form they may take. Partner, give these two what they deserve."

Zangetsu roared, primal and unrelenting. It _was_ instinct, power and rage; it was the infinite potential of the human soul given purpose, and not even the Void itself could contain it all.

_I will protect you_…

With an explosion of black, the entrance of the church was surrounded in a storm of energy that clung to Zangetsu's form like a second skin. When it passed, almost every spare inch of his skin had been clothed in black, save his hands, face and feet. The orange tufts of hair at each wrist and surrounding his neck looked more like fur trim now, but that was beside the point, he was Gandalfr, and he would protect his master.

Zangetsu was behind Wardes before the man could blink, the black sword in his right hand seemingly growing from the traitor's throat. Prince Wales tried to muster a defense, but he found his hands cut off and a clawed foot forcing him to the ground.

"You win partner, now let's get your master and get out of here before more soldiers show up."

Zangetsu stalked over to where Louise staggered by the corpse of Wardes, slowly working her way around the trance she had been placed in.

"F-familiar? What happened here?" she asked, rubbing her eyes as though the action would clear her mind any faster. Zangetsu handed Derflinger over to her, slinging the talking sword across her back and picking her up with his now-free left hand.

"Traitors happened." Derflinger clanked. "But we dealt with them, don't worry."

Within moments the three were outside, watching a torrent of red energy flow from Zangetsu's horns and into the church, obliterating an entire section of the floating island.

* * *

Ok so, for a first effort into both Bleach _and_ Familiar of Zero fanfiction, I must say I'm rather pleased with myself. I chose the familiar I chose because everybody crosses over Bleach at a point where Ichigo is at his most Mary-Sue, i.e. Final Getsuga Tenshou Ichigo or whatever powerup he'll be getting in the latest chapters. I haven't seen a Bleach crossover which chooses to bring in the bull-horned rape monster brought forth into this world out of a desire to protect. I then decided to call him Zangetsu because screw you this is my story and I can ruin canon as much as I want. There's an actual explanation, but i can't be bothered writing it all out so you get nothing.

I may at some point write a bit more, but I'll be deliberately making Zangetsu win everything. He's a Vasto Lorde level Mexican Ghost trapped in the body of a Captain-Commander level Ghostbuster and would most likely wreck any mage's day with a minimal application of his power, that is apparently being limited by his Nazi Ghostbuster powers. Plus Ichigo is the first Mary-Sue(ish) character I've written about and I want to ham it up as much as possible.

Side note: I had to label the categories as 'Bleach' and 'Familiar of Zero', does anyone know where I can find the button for 'a bunch of different anime and not all of these are crossovers'?


	2. Two Heads Are Better Than One

MaLBA Chairman Bunny McFluff told me to work on something that wasn't Evangelion-related, which means it has to be Fate/Stay Night-related or Bleach-related. I'm not kidding, those are the only things I write for so far, and at a point they will _all_ be related. The weird kind of related, like Shinji and Rei shipping fics that acknowledge she's his mother.

So I was talking with a friend about how the Root held together various worlds, and from there it went from standard parallel world talk to the example that 'In some world, Shirou is killed by Lancer before he summons Saber in a very humiliating fashion, such as being stabbed naked in the bath. It must then follow that he becomes a sort of legend, adding to that of EMIYA-Archer's legend. Therefore, in at least one universe connected to the Root, Rin Tohsaka summons an Archer that wears nothing but a bath towel over his balls.'

I got this idea thanks to that. I consider this pure crackfic, but a rare kind: a Crackfic that derives its humour from canon and follows canon. Except for the ending, couldn't think of a good ending, but the Gay Bulge joke was planned to make appearance elsewhere.

**Fate**

**Naked Bath Shirou**

* * *

Somewhere within the Root, there was a spasm.

It was not a large spasm, as wrinkles in the fabric binding realities goes; but because it was an upheaval in the one thing reality actually couldn't do without, it _was_ sort of important. A _change_ shuddered through the varied and infinite realities it touched, resonating with two particular realities, altering their probabilities, bringing them closer together on the plane of void that bound them. For the inhabitants in those two realities - well, those incapable of transportation to a reality less utterly screwed - this did not bode well.

Elsewhere in Creation, perpendicular to the AB-plane of Mars orbiting the 11th-dimensional sun of Krypton, a man was walking down the street. He was far and away from the impending dimensional calamity, but he was really only a small exertion of will rending the fabric of everything from watching the calamity unfold directly. This man is Kishua Zelretch Schweinorg, known by many other names but known best for his creation of the Second Magic: Kaleidescope. Through use of this Magic he is granted operation of any number of parallel worlds, which he mostly seems to use to move inhabitants from one reality to another and watch what happens. Overall, he seems a bit of a dick about the whole thing.

It is thus with all realities: the most common invocation of Zelretch's name is not 'Kishua Zelretch Schweinorg, Dead Apostle Ancestor' or 'Zelretch, creator of the Kaleidescope' but 'I blame Zelretch'.

And so it was that while Zelretch was walking peacefully along the side of a burning lake fueled with souls(and methane) he stopped walking, and listened. Listened to the sound that was not a sound; a tell-tale sign that somewhere, somewhen and some[word not found to define this], reality was changed. With a resolution that interfering in matters of the Root was bad and he really shouldn't do it, Zelretch left the reality of Soulfire Lake to 'observe' the proceedings in the newly-altered reality.

* * *

_..._

* * *

After a thoroughly surreal evening, Emiya Shirou returned home sometime after midnight to find an empty house. It wasn't really that shocking since he lived alone, but he had sort of been expecting a man in blue tights with a red spear to be waiting for him. Realising that it was impossible for a magus like his father to be that powerful and conniving, Shirou consigned the experience to the realm of 'No drugs before bedtime' and ran a bath. As the tub filled, Shirou mused on the origin of words.

A bath cannot really be 'ran' in the past tense, only 'filled', likewise 'run' and 'fill' were not interchangeable verbs. It was not as though he could run a bath in the same way he would a marathon, even though there was a town in Britain called Bath and an area in Greece(to his knowledge) called Marathon, Bath was named due to its influence from the Roman Empire, not the ancient Greeks; so the confusing phrase could not have originated in either area. Realising that this kind of thinking was just silly, Shirou stopped trying to think and started getting ready for his bath.

Stripping naked, Shirou stepped into the bath and relaxed the phantom soreness in his legs and lungs. He felt the area above his heart in memory, pondering the actions of the strange men fighting at the school. Since the wounds the blue man had inflicted on him were gone, Shirou decided that the whole thing had been some imagination of his, leading to the conclusion that he was clearly insane, so he could do whatever he wanted.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Shirou was relaxing in the most insane fashion possible when the front door shattered off its hinges. He shot up immediately, bathwater sloshing over. Stepping out onto the mat, Shirou forewent drying off before the confrontation. Any foe faced with a tall, naked and slippery man charging wildly would be momentarily stunned by the sheer absurdity of it all.

Wait, never mind, it was probably the blue-haired guy with the demon spear that he kept imagining come to finish him off. Which meant that he wasn't insane, and he was about to face his death pantsless.

"Well don't that just beat off!" Shirou called out, well aware of the incorrectness of the statement.

"So you're an unkillable _idiot_ then." The blue-haired man yelled through the house. He had better hearing than a bat would have given him credit for, but it was his proximity to the bathroom door that gave him the advantage. Shirou knew how silently the man could move, and how swiftly too, but he had at least a few seconds before the red spear was rammed down his throat. Ina moment of naked lucidity, Shirou grabbed a washcloth and held it over his crotch, reinforcing it for extra protection. Just as the wet toweling was brought to its natural limits the bathroom door was kicked down.

"HEEEEERE'S CUCU!" the man screamed, maniacal grin covering most of his face.

"Ah Christ!" Shirou cried, echoing through the newly-ventilated bathroom. "It's a sliding door you prick! Do you not know how that works or something?"

"We only had hinged doors back in my day, and you shouldn't care because I'm about to kill you!" The blue man gestured with his free hand for a moment, trying to explain the limits of his legend as succinctly as possible. He abandoned all semblance of courtesy when he remembered why he was in a naked man's house.

"Do I, by any chance, get a last request?" Shirou queried, stalling for time.

"I suppose, as long as it's not ridiculous." The man said, regaining that previous semblance of courtesy.

"Pants." Shirou ventured.

"That'd take too long."

"A sandwich?"

"Too long."

"Gilbert and Sullivan duet in full drag?"

"No time for the dress but I can do the song."

"Wait, you know Gilbert and Sullivan?"

"I was given knowledge of your modern world when I was brought into this time period."

"And you didn't know how a sliding door worked? YOU DICK!" Shirou threw the cloth at the blue-haired man's face and charged. Unluckily for him, the man in blue wasn't entirely human, and thus wasn't bound by a pitifully human reaction speed. Just as the hardened washcloth hit him in the face, the man thrust upward with his spear and pierced Shirou through the heart.

"Che, I didn't even need my Gae Bolg for that."

* * *

BAD END

* * *

After watching Lancer pass overhead, Rin Tohsaka rushed into Shirou's wide-plan house through the broken front door, following the path of moderate destruction to the bathroom she found the dead and naked Emiya Shirou. Fading into existence beside her was her Servant Archer holding his sides for a great laugh.

"This is perfect, I didn't even need to kill him myself!"

"What?"

"He's me! I'm him! Its hilarious, right? I thought it was a perfect chance to prevent the contract with Gaia, but now I don't even have to try!"

"What _are_ you talking about Archer? I demand answers!"

"Well, if you must know Master," Archer began, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes, "I'm from this world's future, or there abouts. I made a contract with Gaia for reasons I will not go into, and regret it immensely. You with me so far?"

"I, I suppose I am. I assume you want to prevent your contract with Gaia then?" Rin postured; she wasn't the top student in her year for no particular reason.

"Essentially, though it's more creating a world or time-line in which the destruction I bring about as a result of the contract never happened." Archer elaborated.

"Why haven't you thusly changed this one? The 'past you' is dead and cannot then make the contract, so the 'destroying you' doesn't happen. Correct, no?" Rin surmised. She was quickly catching on to the intricacies of fucking with time.

"But I'm still here, talking to you right?"

"I-but-yo-"

"Don't think about it Master, paradoxes are generally something you shouldn't be messing with." Archer concluded, but he turned his attention elsewhere, specifically the left hand of his past form in this world.

"Master, would you happen to want to witness the strongest Servant this war has to offer?" He offered one hand to his Master as a gentlemanly gesture, even as the other began to burn with the marks signifying a Master in the war. With a grand flourish, the dead body lying on the tiled floor began to glow with a golden light, a golden light that coalesced into Archer's free hand as a large golden triangle, chased with blue down the sides with fey lettering in the centre.

"This, Master, is Avalon, and if you follow me out back I'll show you my very first atelier.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Hey, Tohsaka, is it true you were in the Grail War a few years back?" one of Rin's new classmates eagerly asked. Rin replied with a haughty smile on her face, as was the norm for a prestigious student of the Clocktower.

"Of course it is, you don't get to be in the top classes here just on connections alone, you have to _do_ something amazing."

"So what did you do?" The crowd asked, growing slowly as she spoke.

"Well, it turns out my Servant was a Hero from the future, and he was someone who'd already been in the Grail War. So he got me the catalyst used to summon his previous Servant, his past self died, and then we ended up destroying the Grail because it got corrupted."

"How did your Servant survive the Grail War if he was dead? I'm pretty sure he'd have to fade away if that were the case." One particularly astute student pointed out.

"There was something about parallel worlds and stuff in Archer's explanation, but it basically meant that though their futures were very similar, he didn't need to live to survive. The version in this time was an idiot too; he hadn't even summoned his Servant and tried to fight Lancer. He ended up being stabbed through the heart while he was taking a bath."

Rin wasn't sure what ramifications her statement could have, but Zelretch, who was watching from a high balcony, already knew.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Hello Tohsaka.

Look at your Shirou, now back to me,

Now back to your Shirou, now back to me.

Sadly, he isn't me.

But if he stopped being a hero and started dying when he's killed, he could seem like he's me.

Look down, back up; where are you?

You're in the Clocktower with the Shirou your Shirou could be like.

What's on you hand?

Back at me, I have it. It's three Command Spells to that thing you love.

Look again, the Command Spells are now Azoth!

Anything is possible when you die when you're killed and not like a hero.

I'm in a Reality Marble

Do do doodoo do do doo Blade Works

* * *

_..._

* * *

Would you like to hear the advice?

[ ] Yes.

[ ] No.

[ ] Maybe.

[ ] I don't know, can you repeat the question?

For some reason, the afterlife of Shirou Emiya wasn't a set of pearly gates or even some sort of conventional purgatory. Judging by the similarity of his surroundings to that of the dojo appended to his house, Shirou assumed that he was now a restless spirit bound to his house as a result of dying naked in the bath.

"You're not the boss of me now!" A very familiar voice cried, causing Shirou to jump and look at his surroundings, realising that he was still naked. "And you're not so big!" Fujimura cried, using the hilt of her shinai as an impromptu microphone.

"F-fujimura?"

"Wattup my Shirou? Welcome to the Taiga Dojo: Dispensing mediocre advice since Bad End in 1995!" Fujimura threw up several gang signs, even managing to use both hands though she was holding Torishinai.

Shirou raised his hand to ask his question, not removing the other from his crotch. "Am I dead?"

"Yes!"

"And you're giving me advice on how to _not_ die?"

"Yes, should you choose to reload your save, you can learn from your mistakes."

"Ok, I'm going to go do something ghosty, you know, over here."

* * *

_..._

* * *

The inscribed circle began to glow with great power, seeming to duplicate itself in mid-air. Holding her last gem tightly in the palm of her hand, Rin Tohsaka intoned the final line of the incantation.

"You, seven heavens clad in three words of power, arrive from the ring of deterrence, O keeper of the balance." With her words, Rin opened a passage to the Throne of Heroes. A passage through which would flow the Hero most appropriate for her and the catalyst she had used: the jeweled pendant that would save Shirou Emiya's life.

With a flash, the entire basement area of the Tohsaka manor was overcome by an explosion of dust and light. When the clouds of dust eventually settled, Rin beheld her servant. Standing taller than her, he was well-toned, his body on full display apart from the bath towel covering his crotch.

"Emiya? How are _you_ my Servant?"

The naked Shirou in front of her sighed. "Parallel worlds and such, I died, got famous _for_ dying, and that makes me a Hero somehow. Can we win this war so that I can wish for pants?"

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Mongrel, you seek to battle me? Is your idiocy legendary?"

"No, but my nudity is my one true joy in this mad war. I battle alongside my master for the one wish that I want fulfilled. The best pair of pants ever!"

Archer began to peel away the towel covering his crotch, nearly outshining the golden glow of Gilgamesh's armour.

"Gay Bulge!" He cried, his entire body thrusting forward as though it was merely an appendage attached to his hips. Within moments, even faster than the other Archer could comprehend, Shirou Emiya had stabbed Gilgamesh through the heart with a miniature replica of Lancer's weapon, the Gae Bolg.


End file.
